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I am so sorry for your loss . It really does sound heartbreaking what you are going through. The fact that Lilly was not eating or perching, and was extremely weak tells me she was indeed in pain and very uncomfortable. As hard as it is to let go, she needed to go. Try to think of how blessed you two were to have known one another and that she is no longer suffering. You tried everything to save her life and as unfair as it was with her being so young, it was her time. My condolences for your loss.
 

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I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you are going through. I went through months of Green Bean being sick, worry about him and holding him all day/night the last few weeks. I still miss him, but I am so glad now that I was able to be there for him and provide some comfort to him when he was sick and dying. I know he appreciated it and knew he was loved, just like Lilly knows how much you loved her. They really do love us and understand how much we love them. Take comfort in that. {{{hugs}}}
 
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Discussion Starter · #44 ·
Lilly Angel and I thank you all for the comforting words.

I keep thinking she is still here, I have to do this and ….that…but they are momentary lapses…or habits…that keep happening. I know full well and am so sad and blame myself for her loss. She was only 3 yo !! I thought she would be w me for many years to come.
The conclusion was that she was injured when she hit the wall….of course we are not sure if there was a brain problem or some issue that existed before.
I blame myself for leaving her for 1/2 hr to go across the street to wish my dear friend a happy 80th birthday…..we had left her many times before, and she managed quite well. However, this was a day that members of my family came for a family gathering….and there were many people in the room. I think she tried to find me….she flew toward the kitchen (which she did often)…but the sliding glass door was closed so she hit the wall fell to the carpet, she was picked up and put into her cage …and then proceeded to fly about her cage banging into the cage…This is what I thought was the cause of all of her problems….so it was probably a concussion. The vet checked many things…and did not advise that I keep her quiet in the cage….blood tests, X-rays, etc were done….finally it was assumed that the bird had hurt herself. The tests to get a final answer probably would have killed her…..she got better and worse for 4 mos…..then finally she lost her battle.
SO>>>>I blame myself for not putting her in another room …locking her in the cage when I went to the birthday. It would have been so easy…. This is what makes me saddest …because I was careless.
Have any of you experienced early losses with your precious little ones. ???
She loved flying and coming wherever we were….she was a real bird….
could it possibly have been some disease ??? I will never really know…..
I would like to post a new picture of her, but am not sure I will be able to figure out how to do this. Anyway…..it's over now….and someday I will forgive myself.
 

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Lily did not blame you. She knew that you loved her, and you provided her with the best life you could. All of us have walked away for our birds with them unsecured, whether it is to answer the phone or to go do something quickly in another room or run outside for a minute. If we locked them away every second, their lives would be so much less than what we give them. YOU DID NOT KILL LILY. She had a tragic accident while you were out of the room, and you did everything you could to help her. If any people know how much you did, it is this forum. Lily had the bird equivalent of a car accident, and you were not in the car with her. It is natural to feel guilty, but you cannot be there every minute to protect them. Some of my closest calls have been when the bird was startled off my shoulder, and there was nothing I could do to help except run frantically after them. It was not your fault. Accidents happen, and they are NOT YOUR FAULT.
I did not lose my cockatiel young, but it was too young for me. She became sick, and I took her to the vet. He took his best guess and we treated for it, but she did not get better. Looking back, I can remember signs of illness that I should have caught earlier, a change in stance when she perched. But I remind myself that I DID take her to the vet, and we DID treat her with medicine. We did the best we could, and I have to forgive myself my humanity. She did not die in my hands because I was too tired and I had to go to bed that night because I had things I had to do the next day. Having to sleep is not my fault, just like having things to do is not yours. Perhaps Lily became ill, and the accident was not the cause of the issue. Perhaps the accident shocked her system and made her more vulnerable. I do not know what took Ruby from me. Knowing the how doesn't change the loss that we feel. But don't confuse this lack of knowledge with a lack of trying. You did everything humanly possible for her, and loved her until the end. The value of a life is not in how long it was, but in how deeply we love. Lily was loved, and loved you in return. You gave her an amazing life, a life a bird dreams of. And perhaps, someday, you can use what Lily taught you to give another bird a home. And when you look into those little eyes, you can tell that bird that you learned everything you know about scritches and playing and wonderfulness from a little girl named Lily, and she is what brought that new bird into your life.
 

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Roxy! My goodness - it was not your fault! You gave her a LIFE. Sure, she would not have hit a wall if she was in her cage locked in a room. But what kind of life would she have had? Birds in the wild fly into things and become injured or worse. You cannot protect her, yourself or anyone else from everything that may happen.

Kiwi's cage once blew over outside and she flew off toward the woods. My husband once knocked her cage and spilled her water everywhere, so he took the cage off the base to clean it up, and when I came in, she was splayed on the floor with the cage on her head! He had set the cage down on her head but did not notice because her snuggly is green and he thought that it was her. She was unconscious when I found her. When I was young, I pushed my mother's budgie cage off the second floor balcony and Mickey escaped. We were able to recover him but his leg was broken. My beloved red factor canary Tango died because I had filled his water dish in the morning but had left it beside his cage rather than in it for reasons that are completely beyond me. I worked until midnight that night so it was only the next morning - 24 hours later - when he was limp in his cage that I realized he had no water and he died shortly after as his organs failed from dehydration. I mourned him and I felt horrendous, but it was an accident. A painful accident - yet here I am telling your about it to help you. My terrible experience is now for me to share with you, to help you through what is the experience of life.

Despite all the love we shower on them and every precaution we might take, things happen for reasons that we will never understand. To grow from these experiences is the only way to bring good into bad. One day, you will bring comfort to someone else who is hurting over their loved one and this experience will help you soothe that person. Or something else will happen that will bring meaning to this. But it is not your fault, my dear friend. It is life. The depth of your devotion to that little bird was remarkable and an inspiration to all of us and anyone else who reads your posts or hears your story. Please don't let misplaced guilt tarnish the beauty that can come from this. It has no place here where there was so much love.

Thank you for trusting us enough to bare your soul and let us help you with your anguish. But Roxy, it did not happen because of you, it just happened. Why is not for us to know. But your warmth and devotion has touched me deeply, so good is already coming from this.

I am sending you big, warm hugs and will keep you in my prayers. She suffers no more, Roxy. Her soul was that precious that it was taken back from this life. Be sad that she is not physically here, but be kind to yourself. You went to visit a "good friend" who is an 80 year old neighbour to wish her a happy birthday. Tsk. That kind, kind soul of yours. You have nothing to feel shame about. You are a beautiful person.

Keep letting it all out, Roxy. We are here for you and will keep reminding you of the wonderful person you are during this time when you are struggling to remember that.
 

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You didn't do anything wrong to cause Lily's illness. If the accident was the cause, it was still an accident. You can not blame yourself for that. We do everything we can to protect our babies and sometimes they still get into trouble. You gave Lilly a good life when she was with you, and you took care of her and loved her when she was sick. That is the best we can do in life.
 

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Roxy, you did nothing wrong. It was just Lilly's time. You can beat yourself up over possible lapses, but you or anyone will ever know the how or why of it. The truth is that our little ones are quite fragile. Yes they can live 20-25 years if all goes well but most do not make it that far. Most die young of misfortune, disease, genetics, etc. Maybe it is because they are so cute, loving, lovable, bright creatures of the air and spirit that they flit from this world to the next easier than others. Remember the Rainbow Bridge poem, know you will see Lilly again.
I hope you eventually grow to understand that Lilly's death was not your fault. Just as I had to understand that when we lost Bo it was not our fault. Hopefully your heart will start healing and you will soon be able to make a spot in it for a new feather spark of joy. Not to replace Lilly, since that can not be done but for your and the birds sake since you know the joy a pet bird brings.
 
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Roxy, you must not blame yourself. It is obvious to us here on the forum that you loved her very much. We try our best but accidents happen. I lost two parrotlets this last year. The first left me in oct of last year. He was very sick when I found him unresponsive n his cage. I rushed him to the emergency vet but he was so sick I decided to let him fly to Rainbow bridge. He was 7 months old and was my special boy. He would ask " come out and see mommie". I was racked with guilt because in my mind I failed to notice he was sick. A few months later I got a new bird I had him three months before there was an accident involving a rocker recliner and my little dog .He got under the chair and I was talking to him trying to coax him out when my dog rsn in the room and jumped in the chair. He was crushed before my eyes and died in hands a few minutes later. Once again I blamed myself. Time will help you realize you did your best for her. I hope in time you will be able to give your love to another birdie. You have so muck love to give. I have two little parrotles at this time. I love and cherish them and do all i can for them. But I have learned that no mater what youdo the unrxpected happens , and I will.always have a parrotlet because they bring so much to my life. We are here for you and feel your pain.
 

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Discussion Starter · #50 ·
Thanks you all have helped me.

I just miss her so. Time will help....but the absence of that sweet bird who loved me so much (she always wanted to be with me)....she chirped when I walked in the door. She gave me such joy. The day before she passed....was pretty bad.
I was feeding her with a syringe, because she wasn't eating on her own....she had this click in her throat, not sure if she was choking or what....so I got nervous about giving her any more food. The next morning she kept sleeping so I held her for awhile, but was afraid to feed her...I tucked her in her cage and took a shower....checking her often....she seemed ok....so I checked her after the shower....she was standing in her blanket....she looked great...her eyes were open and she looked really good, not fluffy or anything...so I thought ..wow she's looking great...(thought of picking her up and hugging her) but she looked ok so I finished up dressing etc....about 5min or so....went back to her cage and her head was down.....I panicked , grabbed her and I knew she was so limp...that she had died.....it was the most terrible feeling ever.....it was too late to hug her again and kiss her little head to let her know she was safe in my hands....it was over.
What haunts me and hurts me so much is that if only I had picked her up when she was sitting up and let her know how much I loved her when she was still alive.....that is how I wanted it to end.....with me hugging her....she loved when I hugged her......it would have only taken a few moments....and I waited.
THIS IS what is killing me here.
Yes , I understand that others have had horrible endings which are very hard to handle.....I appreciate your sharing other hurtful endings....but we all have our ways....I just know I would feel better now if I had taken a few moments to hold her and hug her and let her go in my hands.....she would have felt safe. That is what I wanted for her -- to feel safe and secure....I wanted to give her that. They have to feel frightened when they step through that final doorway.
I hope you can understand why I feel so badly. I couldn't give her that safe feeling one last time.
Roxy
 

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My Dear Roxy,
It's ok. Really. In Lilly's last few moments when her eyes were open and alert, I believe she was saying goodbye to you. She knew you loved her. There's no question about that.
Please try to stop beating yourself up. You gave her so much comfort in both her healthy days and when she was so ill. Many of us think 'if only I had done this' or 'maybe if I hadn't done that.' We always second guess ourselves. I don't think there was anything more you could have done to let her know you loved her. You showed it every day of her life.
 

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Sometimes, our animals choose to have it this way. They know when they are leaving us, and it is easiest for them to leave us when our backs are turned. Lily did say goodbye to you, and she did know that you loved her. She didn't need to hear the words, all she needed was that last look into your eyes. She left you the way she needed to, knowing that she was loved.
Although the grief is still raw, perhaps you might use it to welcome another bird into your home. I needed to wait a couple months, but many of us are simply not whole without a bird in our life. Those months I waited, there was a feather shaped hole in my heart. We do not replace our beloved birds with new ones, but we take our hearts and grow them larger each time we bring a new individual into our flocks. Waiting and grieving is okay too. Everybody feels and experiences differently.
 

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Roxy, our love goes beyond our physical touch. Our love is what makes a house a home. It is what makes a group of people, friends. It is what makes related people a family. It is what makes animals near us pets or fids and not just livestock. Lilly knew she was loved even if you were not holding her when she passed, it may be her in her love she felt it was better if she passed without putting you through her final moments. None of that matters now, but your love reaches her at the Rainbow Bridge, just as her love will cause her to wait for you there till you catch up with her as you both travel onward toward God's ultimate loving embrace.
I wish you peace and hope your grieving is short. Lilly would not want you to be sad for long.
 
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I have to echo what Rubydoo and kpenguins said - I feel certain she was saying goodbye. When my most beloved cat went missing 12 years ago, we had just moved into the house I am in now. We were the second house that was built on our street so there were a number of houses that were not yet occupied. My husband and I were out barbecuing in our backyard (which did not even have grass yet) and my beloved Zoe was sitting just off from the BBQ looking at me. There was something in the way she was looking at me that made me want to go over and stroke her soft fur, but just then my husband came outside and instead of going to her, I went with him a few lots down to look at a very large house that was being built. My suggestion. When we came back, she was gone and I never saw her again. I spent months putting up posters, wandering the streets calling for her and I went to the Humane Society every single day for a whole year - even though she was microchipped. But I never saw her again. I think about that look often and wonder if our future would have been different if I had only gone over to her. I don't know. Something in my heart makes me believe she had been saying goodbye in that moment. That her time here was done - whatever her purpose was in this life had been fulfilled. I Am not saying I wasn't heartbroken - I was devastated - but I believe I played my part in her life and in fulfilling whatever her life's purpose was and to feel guilt over that would be to deny the beauty of her place in this life. And so, when I think of her and have pain in my heart at the betrayal of her that my head tells me I should feel, I let my heart quiet and reach out with my soul until I feel the peace that acceptance brings. And with it comes a feeling she is near to me.

Your head is blocking you too much with these dreadful thoughts of things that just aren't true. Your heart knows how much you loved her. Your head is turning that into something ugly - like somehow in her moment of passing, you were not there and she was afraid. She was not afraid Roxy. She stood up and shed her illness - the blessing you are missing is that you got to see her well again for a brief moment. You got to see her as she was about to become as she stepped through that door. That was your gift and if you were not allowed to be there in that moment, the moment when she actually stepped through, it may just have been because you would have held her back. She was ready - she stood up and looked well again. She knew what she was heading for and she was actually physically trying to get there. Your pain may have blocked her had you stayed. You may have tried to save her or she may have stayed for you. And she was being called home and she wanted to go. I know of what I speak. My best friend in my whole life - my mother - passed away the one night the pain in my body from sleeping in a chair overcame me and I went home. I was not allowed to be there because I would have tried to stop it. God (for me) needed to send his angels to bring her home and I had to go away. The series of events that led to me leaving are remarkable and for another time - but my love, don't let you head convince you that you do her no honour unless you suffer. Suffering and guilt will make you miss the beauty of her transformation from the pain and suffering of this life and will block you from joining her spiritually or through your combined energy. Because she is there, Roxy. But your mind denies this to you. Open your heart, and close your mind. Your will see. I promise you that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #55 ·
Thanks for helping me ....all of you parrotlet lovers are amazing. I just know she loved me so much, she always wanted to be wherever I was.....it was a close bonding. So in my human way....I did not want her to feel I wasn't there for her when she needed me most.
Animals are beautiful....they accept whatever time and love we give them...they give us unconditional love. I understand this..........and yes ....I know she felt my love.
I just really miss her love......and hopefully we will meet again in a place where there are no more tears or fears.
Thank you Ginziputzi, Ozzie , Rubydoo and all ! hugs Roxy
 

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I miss her too, Roxy. I guess joining this forum makes us love all the little birds we get to know here. Grieving is part of that experience and we are all part of the flock, so we all grieve together. I know you are grieving especially hard and as long as that is about missing her and the joy you had together, I know you will be fine. But it just can't be about things you can't control or things you wish you did differently. That makes it something else altogether. Problem is - you have to really work hard to push those awful thoughts from your heart and that takes an energy you probably don't feel you have. But you are a strong person - you have shown is all that. You can do this too.

My heart is with you as it has been through all of this. We are here for you and we really do understand.

And Ozzie - we were probably posting at the same time so if it looks like I excluded you, I certainly didn't! Your words are beautiful and true.
 

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Discussion Starter · #57 ·
thank you for your words of wisdom....really appreciate ....and sometimes I think when I saw her looking so perfect and well..just before she died..that perhaps she was dying and her body had become perfect....once again ...as she entered another place. ????
You know....I really hope there is a heaven ....but sometimes I wonder about these things.
It sure would be nice !!!!!! roxy
 

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Discussion Starter · #58 ·
My Dear Roxy,
It's ok. Really. In Lilly's last few moments when her eyes were open and alert, I believe she was saying goodbye to you. She knew you loved her. There's no question about that.
Please try to stop beating yourself up. You gave her so much comfort in both her healthy days and when she was so ill. Many of us think 'if only I had done this' or 'maybe if I hadn't done that.' We always second guess ourselves. I don't think there was anything more you could have done to let her know you loved her. You showed it every day of her life.
please read my last post...it was meant for you, just not sure how I could do it....I did a quick reply...but it went to the end. ???? roxy
 

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thank you for your words of wisdom....really appreciate ....and sometimes I think when I saw her looking so perfect and well..just before she died..that perhaps she was dying and her body had become perfect....once again ...as she entered another place. ????
You know....I really hope there is a heaven ....but sometimes I wonder about these things.
It sure would be nice !!!!!! roxy

Yes. That is how I saw it when I read your post. She was whole once more and you got to see a glimpse of her as she moved on. Heaven is a human construct that allows us to define something in a way we can understand it. I believe that there is a Heaven but the "not understandable" form - not one that i need to understand in my limited human way. I like to believe there are things out there that I do not have the capacity to understand but that exist anyway. It makes me feel like part of something universal - like if I was not here just as I am, the world would not be. That is how important I believe every life is, no matter what life. And passing from this form into that which exists because of me is Heaven. Part of the whole where you belong. It is a leap of faith and one I enjoy because my mind can't have it - only my heart. Because I "know" it - I don't have to "think" it. So my brain cannot put doubt there because my heart is smarter in these things. You notice how you say "I really hope" then contradict it with "but I wonder"? Spirit (or heart) knows - head raises doubt. Your head does not know everything - in fact what it knows is way smaller than what it doesn't.

Anyway - I am waxing philosophical now. If it helps at all - I know there is a Heaven and I know she is there. You got to see it and Your heart knows. That, my kind Roxy, is a very special thing indeed.
 

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Discussion Starter · #60 ·
by the way....Kiwi is beautiful.....is it a male or female....love the colors. I wish I could put pictures in my messages....I have many of Lilly. How many Parrotlets have you had....? says you have one now, am assuming it is Kiwi that I see on the page.
I just read a book that you would like....it says....consciousness is not created by the brain....it exists before and without....written by Dr Alexander.
 
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