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~~~Funny Things/Jokes I Read Today~~~

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Old 01-21-2020, 12:15 AM   #1
David Miller
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Talking ~~~Funny Things/Jokes I Read Today~~~

~~~~~~~FROM February's Reader's Digest~~~~~~~~



EXCUSES GIVEN TO MINISTERS FOR NOT BEING IN CHURCH ON SUNDAY:::


--" I couldn't get the lid off the peanut butter!"
--" The church is too close to drive to and too far to walk! "
--"Both my girlfriends attend the church there! "
--"The Pastor stays in the Bible too much! "
--"The Pastor is too attractive. When I see him preaching, I have impure thoughts and I am distracted! "
--"My wife cooked bacon for breakfast and our whole family smelled like bacon! "
--"The worship leader pulls up his pants too often. It's distracting! "
--"I always get hemorrhoids on Sundays!"
--"Someone called me brother instead of using my name! "


These are real excuses!


One morning, Emma woke up with a start. Her husband, Jim, asked what the matter was.
" I had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day, " she said. " What could it mean? "


" You'll know tonight, " Jim said slyly.


That evening, Jim came home with a small package for his wife. Emma ripped open the wrapping paper, tore into the box, and pulled out her gift--a book entitled, " The Meaning Of Dreams! "


I describe my husband's style as: " Is that what your wearing? "


HERE'S SOME THINGS YOU WILL NEVER, EVER HEAR A 3 YEAR OLD SAY::::
--" Don't need it. Already have three. Let's stick to our shopping list,"
--" It doesn't matter how we did it yesterday. Things change! "
--" Here's your phone back. "
--" For Pete's sake, Dad! It's 3:30 in the morning. Pleas go back to bed-you're starting a new job, and this is the night you really need some decent sleep. "
--" Yep, that's how I wanted it done. You've nailed it again! "

--" I put Daddy's keys and wallet under the bed, in case you want to know."


I hope you enjoyed some of these.......


Let me know if you did.



Dave




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Old 01-21-2020, 08:58 PM   #2
Bigboy
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Yup. Loved them all! I really liked the 2nd joke. But the 3 year old's conversations - well I hear that sort of stuff daily when I teach Pre-K. NOT!!!!! lol
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Old 01-22-2020, 06:40 PM   #3
JackieRTP
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I like the one about the gift that Jim gave to his wife...
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Old 02-01-2020, 02:48 AM   #4
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Haha those were good!
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